Did you ever ask yourself, "What would it be like to be married to me?"
Now before you get too grandiose in your explanation of your finer points, what would it be like to put up with YOUR little quirks?
My husband and I have spent the past 2-3 years in our empty nest confined a bit more because of health issues and we have had a chance to see each other "up close and personal" in a deeper way than ever before. Some of our quirks have become more apparent. LOL
Isn't it all about "for richer for poorer" "for better or worse" "in sickness and in health"? As we counsel pre-marrieds, Terry and I talk to these starry eyed young folks about the need for the "long-term view" in marriage -- the importance in reaffirming the permanency of the relationship and for dialoging about the years to come and picturing growing older (and OLD) together.
But what about when it happens? We've found that communication and prayer are our best tools for building understanding of the changes occuring during this transition time. Because we have both maintained our busy schedules during these times of compromised energy -- we often find ourselves too tired to talk much. We cover the basics of our day, collapse on our double recliner, grab our laptops and start to collect and connect the pieces of our day to each other.
Whoever said "getting old isn't for wimps" knew what he was talking about! I've learned volumes about chronic pain from watching my husband endure the searing pain of a rheumatoid condition. He's taught me a lot about balancing energy and pain management and ways to rise above the pain by keeping mentally active, writing and teaching.
I've often thought how nice it is to be married to someone who is my age because we share about the same level of activities. (Though my husband says I drive him crazy trying to keep up with my activities and then attempting to follow the thread of my often disjointed conversation, afterwards).
We have 36 1/2 years of memories and shared history that cements our relationship plus a wealth of experiences which we have endured together that have refined, "toughened" and forged our oneness.
Maybe he'd best speak as to what it's like to be married to me . . .
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Cohabiting - A Trend of our Times
Stanley Markham recently said that we have a whole new generation of individuals shaky about making marriage relationships. The divorces of those closest to them has caused a loss of confidence and commitment to the idea of marriage. For them cohabitation seems to be the natural and normal choice.
As Terry and I work with young pre-marrieds we see as many as 75% of them in a cohabiting relationship. Today's definition of cohabitation is couples living together outside of marriage.
One of my Catholic friends describes her son's relationship with his girlfriend as "living in sin." Culturally, society itself used that phrase from the Judeo-Christian roots our country was built upon. Theologically, all of sin is something that breaks God's heart because of the hurt and pain it causes us or the chasm it creates between us and our maker.
John Epp states that as many as 65% of today's singles will cohabit before they choose whether or not to marry a certain person. He went on to cite that if they marry (and less than 50% do), they have a 15% higher chance of divorce, than those who do not cohabit before marriage.
Oftentimes their parents or friends will explain, "They're not ready to commit to marriage yet" - "They're too young to get married" - or "They're seeing if they are suited for each other."
In forming love relationships today's young adults are leaving dating behind, "hanging out" with friends and then deciding which friends they want to develop deeper relationships with. Jon Epp calls them the "hook-up" generation. Some of them will have several different intimate relationships before they decide to settle down with one person. I hear students of mine refer to this cohabiting relationship as "we're together".
In his workshop at Smart Marriages 2008, Scott Stanley refered to the concept of cohabitation as a relationship where the two involved "slide" into it rather "decide" about it. Before they have a chance to decide if this is a safe, nurturing person and one best suited to help them realize their hopes and dreams, they have slid into a co-habiting relationship for all sorts of reasons. . . economic, convenience, loneliness, even emotional insecurity.
Sometimes parters will decide to sign a 12-month lease or buy a home together, get a pet and oftentimes children will be born to this relationship within 12-18 months. Breaking up becomes more and more difficult because of all the constraints that are keeping them together. However, due to fact that this relationship was not initially built on a commitment first, oftentimes these relationships don't endure the day to day stress of living together.
Each time one of these relationships forms and then dissolves there is a certain degree of "emotional fall-out" from the break-up, which psychologists say affects the ability to permanently bond in a lasting relationship and later the permanency of a marriage.
Another critical issue not evident to young (and older) couples is that the break-up of the cohabiting relationship can not only cause as much pain as divorce, but have equally complicated legal problems. Some states legally sanction these relationships as marriages. Our state of Oklahoma does. On the front end, couples seem to want that married status so they can cover their partners with insurance. However, when the relationship gets rocky and both partners want to split, how do they break off these legally sanctioned "marriages"? Do we take them to the divorce court? Who gets the pet? What about the children?
Scott Stanley also says "This generation is going to need security even more than previous generations. Unfortunately they are involved in many things that will not give them that security. They are on elevators that won't get them to the floors they want to go."
As Terry and I work with young pre-marrieds we see as many as 75% of them in a cohabiting relationship. Today's definition of cohabitation is couples living together outside of marriage.
One of my Catholic friends describes her son's relationship with his girlfriend as "living in sin." Culturally, society itself used that phrase from the Judeo-Christian roots our country was built upon. Theologically, all of sin is something that breaks God's heart because of the hurt and pain it causes us or the chasm it creates between us and our maker.
John Epp states that as many as 65% of today's singles will cohabit before they choose whether or not to marry a certain person. He went on to cite that if they marry (and less than 50% do), they have a 15% higher chance of divorce, than those who do not cohabit before marriage.
Oftentimes their parents or friends will explain, "They're not ready to commit to marriage yet" - "They're too young to get married" - or "They're seeing if they are suited for each other."
In forming love relationships today's young adults are leaving dating behind, "hanging out" with friends and then deciding which friends they want to develop deeper relationships with. Jon Epp calls them the "hook-up" generation. Some of them will have several different intimate relationships before they decide to settle down with one person. I hear students of mine refer to this cohabiting relationship as "we're together".
In his workshop at Smart Marriages 2008, Scott Stanley refered to the concept of cohabitation as a relationship where the two involved "slide" into it rather "decide" about it. Before they have a chance to decide if this is a safe, nurturing person and one best suited to help them realize their hopes and dreams, they have slid into a co-habiting relationship for all sorts of reasons. . . economic, convenience, loneliness, even emotional insecurity.
Sometimes parters will decide to sign a 12-month lease or buy a home together, get a pet and oftentimes children will be born to this relationship within 12-18 months. Breaking up becomes more and more difficult because of all the constraints that are keeping them together. However, due to fact that this relationship was not initially built on a commitment first, oftentimes these relationships don't endure the day to day stress of living together.
Each time one of these relationships forms and then dissolves there is a certain degree of "emotional fall-out" from the break-up, which psychologists say affects the ability to permanently bond in a lasting relationship and later the permanency of a marriage.
Another critical issue not evident to young (and older) couples is that the break-up of the cohabiting relationship can not only cause as much pain as divorce, but have equally complicated legal problems. Some states legally sanction these relationships as marriages. Our state of Oklahoma does. On the front end, couples seem to want that married status so they can cover their partners with insurance. However, when the relationship gets rocky and both partners want to split, how do they break off these legally sanctioned "marriages"? Do we take them to the divorce court? Who gets the pet? What about the children?
Scott Stanley also says "This generation is going to need security even more than previous generations. Unfortunately they are involved in many things that will not give them that security. They are on elevators that won't get them to the floors they want to go."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Why Marriage, Anyway?
I teach a Marriage and Family Living Class to high school juniors and seniors and do couple marriage workshops with my husband. From time to time I will have students who are already living with a partner, a couple even buying a house with their partners.
When we discuss marriage in class, I hear them say -- "I'm not getting married until I have lived with the person for a few years first." When I ask why they choose cohabitation first, they often reply, "I don't want to go through a divorce like my parents did."
Sometimes I will hear middle aged friends say, "Marriage hardly ever happens." or "That might be okay for the younger ones, but not for people like me - I can't afford another divorce."
What are the benefits of marriage to a man? to a woman? to the children?
What is it about marriage that is different than cohabitation?
What's commitment got to do with it?
When we discuss marriage in class, I hear them say -- "I'm not getting married until I have lived with the person for a few years first." When I ask why they choose cohabitation first, they often reply, "I don't want to go through a divorce like my parents did."
Sometimes I will hear middle aged friends say, "Marriage hardly ever happens." or "That might be okay for the younger ones, but not for people like me - I can't afford another divorce."
What are the benefits of marriage to a man? to a woman? to the children?
What is it about marriage that is different than cohabitation?
What's commitment got to do with it?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
We're Up and Running!
Marriage and Family Institute of Tulsa, a 501C3 organization was formed in 2007 through efforts of Terry and Jan Bell.
The family network as once known in America is crumbling. No longer do we have the strong extended or even nuclear families. Children are often the unwitting victims of this social breakdown as they often have little or no safety net to rely on.
It is not enough to describe the problem. We must band together to rebuild the structures, which sustain society at its foundation: THE FAMILY
We seek to provide to the community:
Marriage and Relationship Training
Premarital Counseling
Marriage Mentoring
Mentor Training
Other areas to be developed include:
Job Skills Training
Basics of Home Financial Management
Parenting Skill / Child Development
The family network as once known in America is crumbling. No longer do we have the strong extended or even nuclear families. Children are often the unwitting victims of this social breakdown as they often have little or no safety net to rely on.
It is not enough to describe the problem. We must band together to rebuild the structures, which sustain society at its foundation: THE FAMILY
We seek to provide to the community:
Marriage and Relationship Training
Premarital Counseling
Marriage Mentoring
Mentor Training
Other areas to be developed include:
Job Skills Training
Basics of Home Financial Management
Parenting Skill / Child Development
Who are Terry & Jan?
Dr. and Mrs. Terry and Jan Bell have been married for 36 years. They have two grown children. Together, Jan and Terry have traveled the world lecturing, teaching, and being presenters at various conferences and workshops. They are the Directors of the Marriage and Family Institute based out of Tulsa. This Institute specializes in training mentors who will help nurture and train other married couples.
Jan teaches Family and Consumer Science. In 2005 she was selected District Teacher of the Year. She also maintains a very busy schedule as the wife of a Pastor and as co-director of the Marriage and Family Institute. She is a frequent speaker for PREP events and other teaching opportunities.
Terry is the Senior Pastor for Life Park Christian Fellowship in Tulsa Oklahoma. He is also an author of several books and publications. Along with his wife, he is Co-Director of the Marriage and Family Institute. His doctorate is in Communications and he also holds an Masters of Divinity in Marriage and Family Counseling. He maintains his contact with the academic world by being an adjunct professor of Philosophy, Humanities, and Medical Ethics at Tulsa Community College.
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